The hatred in my heart for them.

After all my years of darkness I've come to love the light. The light where the truth seems to cruel from underneath the rocks. I spent so much of my like trying to pretend I was something I wasn't. But leaving here in los angeles has had it's good with the bad. It's hard not turning this new found freedom unto darkness. I have come to realize I have hate in my heart for black people they make me sick to look at. I've come to realize they are very mean and stupid race of people. I know it's crazy considering that I'm one of them. I have had to fight this hatred that seems to be trying to open me wide open. I started being bullied by them from the time I was a kid. calling me faggot, trying to be a white boy. I've had to fight them so many times it's horrible. I'm still being bullied by them every where I go in los angeles. No matter what I'm wearing or doing they seem to bully me. Now it's by grown black folks and it seems to have gotten worse since moving here to los angeles. I don't know what to do and I feel I'm seconds away from getting me a gun and killing any black person that cross my path. I have so much hate in my heart I wish I was white and in government because I would do everything I could do to make life helll from them. I would cut all walfare, make not paying child support make it a high crime and lock them up for life. Stop all support for aids and just let them bastards die! But I know it will get better and I have to believe that because if I didn't I really believe I would go out and try to kill about 100 or more before the cops would take me out. It does get better.

Digging Through The Madness.

Somewhere down the line I got off track. I don't know where I got off track, but I got off track. I was heading in one direction and my life was heading into another direction. How can this be? You know you take one wrong turn and life gets off track somewhere in the middle. But where was that middle? I kept thinking that middle was somewhere around the time I was born. My sperm donor father wasn't much of a father, to be honest he wasn't a father at all. Come to rememeber not one black man in my family was good at anything. Other then beating, raping, cheating, walking out on their families. So I thought that was the time I might have gotten off track. Maybe it was right after I want into foster care. That's the moment I got off track? It really doesn't make any difference when I got off track, the point am trying to make is that digging through the madness takes alot of work. I mean everyday I must work through some kind of issue, problem, something always seem to bite my ass. I get through it some how. So I keep digging my way out of this madness, but each time I move away some of the shit underneath me. I find a little boy smiling with joy so I keep digging through the madness in hopes some day I'll dig that little boy up.

Hiding behind Failure.

I feel like I haven't gotten anything done in my life at this point. I feel like one big failure at every dream I've had. I wasn't the best friend I could have been. I'm here in Los Angeles alone and that's not how it started out. I screwed up a great friendship and I miss my friend. In a different way, before all the drama it was alot of madness and now that the madness is gone. I realized I had a really great friend in my corner. That's one failure among the many. I ruined a project do to ego and bad choices. I don't trust myself and I wasn't honest about my feelings with the project with my co-worker. That's just a few of my failures and boy are there many. I don't know what to do to get out of this failure funk. Will someone tell me how I can get out of this funk. I wish I had a fairy godmother or father to grant me a couple of thousand dollars. I would make a great short film and take care of some other things. I wish I was dating but I'm a failure at that. But how can I be a failure at that when I have never been in love with anyone in love with me. I had this sick and unhealthy way of loving people. I seem to be focusing on all my failures and not focusing on my strengths. But at this time I can't seem to find any great strengths in myself. So I'm hiding behind my failures. Any advice?

Speaker Pelosi: VICTORY: Health Insurance Reform Passes the House

Speaker Pelosi: VICTORY: Health Insurance Reform Passes the House: "Speaker Pelosi: VICTORY: Health Insurance Reform Passes the House: http://bit.ly/a1BnZa"

Let The Race Begin!

If you are like me, you love movies. You love movies because they can take you all over the world in a matter of hours. they can make you feel something, happy, sad, anger, sexy ,outraged just to name a few. But this year the movies we're" WOW". Avatar took you to a new world,Up made you think. Up in the air made you question your job, life. Blind Side showed you the best of spirit. District 9 made you think and Precious showed you courage how to walk through fire. The Hurt Locker showed you the horrors of war, and Inglourious Basterds helped you remember a horrible pass and An Education , about a young woman coming of age. I saw hurry for hollywood. If you haven't seen any of these movies go now the are great, they 're good and they will make you laugh , cry and most of all think. I 've been lucking this year to have seen all this great movies and a shoe string budget. Go doing the day it's always cheaper and if you are Sag go and enjoy the magic. So go to the movies, take the time to enjoy hollywood and check out A Single Man, Crazy Heart, Woody Harrelson , Matt Damon, Christopter Plummer,and all the great women. I promise you you will have the time of your life.

Looking for something.

Do you ever feel like you're missing something? I do , I feel like I'm missing life, You see I've been trying to achieve this dream , working on movie sets, What I really wont to do is make movies, and I don't know where to go, how to get money to make my own movies. I wish I had a fairy godmother that would help me with that dream, someone to grant my wildest dream. I seem to be looking for something to change my life, something to move me to make something great out of my life. It all seems to much but I guess I'll keep looking for that something until I, I don't know if anyone can hear me HELP!