Digging Through The Madness.

Somewhere down the line I got off track. I don't know where I got off track, but I got off track. I was heading in one direction and my life was heading into another direction. How can this be? You know you take one wrong turn and life gets off track somewhere in the middle. But where was that middle? I kept thinking that middle was somewhere around the time I was born. My sperm donor father wasn't much of a father, to be honest he wasn't a father at all. Come to rememeber not one black man in my family was good at anything. Other then beating, raping, cheating, walking out on their families. So I thought that was the time I might have gotten off track. Maybe it was right after I want into foster care. That's the moment I got off track? It really doesn't make any difference when I got off track, the point am trying to make is that digging through the madness takes alot of work. I mean everyday I must work through some kind of issue, problem, something always seem to bite my ass. I get through it some how. So I keep digging my way out of this madness, but each time I move away some of the shit underneath me. I find a little boy smiling with joy so I keep digging through the madness in hopes some day I'll dig that little boy up.

Hiding behind Failure.

I feel like I haven't gotten anything done in my life at this point. I feel like one big failure at every dream I've had. I wasn't the best friend I could have been. I'm here in Los Angeles alone and that's not how it started out. I screwed up a great friendship and I miss my friend. In a different way, before all the drama it was alot of madness and now that the madness is gone. I realized I had a really great friend in my corner. That's one failure among the many. I ruined a project do to ego and bad choices. I don't trust myself and I wasn't honest about my feelings with the project with my co-worker. That's just a few of my failures and boy are there many. I don't know what to do to get out of this failure funk. Will someone tell me how I can get out of this funk. I wish I had a fairy godmother or father to grant me a couple of thousand dollars. I would make a great short film and take care of some other things. I wish I was dating but I'm a failure at that. But how can I be a failure at that when I have never been in love with anyone in love with me. I had this sick and unhealthy way of loving people. I seem to be focusing on all my failures and not focusing on my strengths. But at this time I can't seem to find any great strengths in myself. So I'm hiding behind my failures. Any advice?